Conservative pundits and politicians have reached consensus that the Obama presidency has been an abysmal failure. “Omigod,” declared Republican House Minority Leader, John Boehner. “I am appalled at the level of spending. It took President Bush eight full years to double the National Debt from $5.5 trillion to $11 trillion, which shows how careful and financially responsible President Bush was, but at this rate, President Obama will recklessly re-double the National Debt in less than seven years.” The Minority Leader, known around the Capitol as “The Boner”, then retired to his personal tanning bed for the rest of the day, muttering “Omigod” and “Gag me with a spoon” over and over.
Conservative demigod Sean “The Manatee” Hannity was even more critical of President Obama: “The stock market is tanking, unemployment is at its highest level in decades and the Obama Recession looks like it’s turning into the Obama Depression. And why hasn’t he caught Osama Bin Laden?”
Conservative transsexual, Ann Coulter, outraged that Obama has issued orders prohibiting torture and closing Guantanamo and “black” prison sites abroad, asked: “Does he want us all to die? Yes, of course, he does because he’s a liberal and all liberals are moronic traitors. By the way, that’s the title of my most recent book, not to be confused with my other best-sellers, “All Liberals Are Assholes”, “Liberals Are Dumb”, “I Really Hate Liberals”, “I’m OK, You’re A Liberal Asshole” and “If God Is So Great, Why Do Liberals Exist?”
Leading Conservative religious leaders expressed concern over President Obama’s prospective mass murder of really, really, really tiny people. “By allowing stem cell research to move forward and by removing the restriction President Bush had placed on financial aid to family planning organizations (prohibiting aid to any organization that funds abortions or provides counseling that includes the option of abortion), President Obama has launched a modern-day Holocaust”, proclaimed Evangelical Reproductive Oversight Society (EROS) chairman, Rod Gozinya. Recent Vice Presidential candidate, Sarah Palin, echoed the concerns expressed by Rev. Gozinya: “The next thing you know, President Obama there will be allowing the use of condoms also and palling around with terrorists who use condoms also. I want to reassure all Right-Thinking Americans there that I will never allow any of my children to use condoms also. They are committed to abstinence also – well most of them are – so it will never be an issue there.” Leader of the Family Research Council, Tony Perkins, declared: “Yesterday, President Obama issued executive orders banning the torture of terrorists but today signed an order that exports the torture of unborn children around the world.” I know, this makes no sense whatsoever, but it is a direct quote. Really.
Cable TV phone-sex freak and author of his recent memoir “A Steaming, Fresh Pile of Humanity”, Bill “The Beavis” O’Reilly [1] declared in the Talking Points portion of his show (where he talks and the words simultaneously appear on the screen because FOX viewers need all the help they can get) that the Obama Administration is the most corrupt in history. “Even before President Obama has appointed them, scandals have tarnished Eric Holder, Bill Richardson, Tim Geithner, Caroline Kennedy, Ted Kennedy, Hillary Clinton and Bill Clinton. We need a president in the White House who will restore to the Oval Office the kind of honor and dignity President Bush brought to those hallowed halls.”
Pat Buchanan, noted anti-semite and Republican windbag, questioned whether Obama was really the President. “He botched the oath on Inauguration Day and then, in a secret ceremony, took the oath without putting his hand on the Bible. I don’t know if he’s really the President.”
But it was oxycontin addict and ginormous blowhard, Rush Limbaugh, who summarized the Conservatives’ position towards our new President by saying: “I have a four-word wish for President Obama: ‘I hope he fails’.” That’s a Real American Patriot for you and, no, I am not making this up.
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[1]Am I the only one to note how much O’Reilly resembles Beavis of “Beavis and Butthead” fame?
I'm Not Making This Up... 