This Month In God and Sainthood Update

May 2011 is a HUGE Month In God. For example, Judgment Day is (supposedly) coming on May 21, but since I don’t really believe it will happen, I’ll get to that later. In the meantime, let’s talk about The Blessed John Paul II.

“The Blessed” is what Catholics call aspirants for sainthood who have been beatified, but not canonized. Earlier this morning, before a cheering throng at St. Peter’s, the current Pope declared the former Pope “Blessed”. This means that only one more miracle stands between everyone’s favorite padre and his pedestal. Now, I hate to be cynical, but I’m thinking this upcoming “miracle” is pretty much a done deal. I think I’ve finally got the “miracle” requirements straight. One post-mortum miracle is required for beatification and another post-beatification miracle is required for canonization. To qualify, a “miracle” has to involve a prayer to a specific dead person – usually to recover from some disease or affliction – and the granting of the prayer. It doesn’t count if the supplicant just prays to a bunch of saints and to anyone who may ever become a saint. The prayer has to be directed to a specific dead person. (Some critics of John Paul’s fast track to sainthood complain that the woman he cured of Parkinson’s by interceding with God prayed to lots of dead people, not just to John Paul II.)

But here’s the real problem: While he was Pope, John Paul II beatified 1.300 applicants and canonized 482 saints, more in each category than all previous Popes combined in the nearly 2,000 year history of the Church. Then along comes Pope Benedict XVI and he beatifies another 790 applicants and canonizes 34 saints. Add all these together, and we’re talking AT LEAST 2,600 separate miracles. And keep in mind: Each of these miracles required a specific prayer to a specific dead person, who interceded with God to get the prayer granted. How likely is that to have happened? And when you look at the list of all the people who got beatified and canonized by John Paul and Benedict, the whole thing starts to look even fishier. (Obscure symbolic reference.) For example, why would anyone afflicted with a disease or handicap have directed a prayer to Ivan Merz, a Croatian who died at age 31? His claim to sainthood? “Though he decided to remain a layman in the world, Ivan took a vow of celibacy, and devoted his free time to the church.” John Paul II beatified him on June 22,2003. Or what about Claudio Granzotto, who died at age 46? Claudio was “known for his life of prayer, his work with the poor, and his unquestioned artistic skill.” Why would anyone have prayed to him? Yet John Paul beatified him in November 1994. Which brings us to the case of “Juan”. “Juan” – no last name – was actually one of three Indian children named “Juan”, who were beaten to death with clubs in 1529. Their claims to sainthood? “At a tender age, they were drawn to the words and witness of missionaries and they became helpers, as catechists for other indigenous peoples.” I think John Paul set the bar for sainthood pretty low. And are Catholics really expected to believe that each of these little Juans got prayed to and then interceded with God to cure somebody of something? Come on. Are Catholics really that gullible? (Rhetorical question; no answer necessary.) Whatever. But don’t you think we’ve got a serious case of “miracle and saint inflation” on our hands that needs to be looked into? ( I’ve heard that it will be, just as soon as the Church finishes looking into the epidemic of child abuse by priests, i.e., it will never be looked into.)

But, bottom line, I say: “Huzzah for The Blessed John Paul II.” Sure, he ignored the sexual abuse of children by priests, but he was charismatic and, when he was young, he always carried his own special flagellation belt. (I guess no one warned him about going blind or growing hair on his back.)

But, on to more serious matters. Have you checked The Rapture Index lately? It’s been hitting a new high every week and is now at 184, several points above the all-time high achieved just after 9/11. Personally, I think The Index’s editor, Todd Strandburg, is just covering his ass in case The Rapture really does occur on May 21.

Which brings us to JUDGMENT DAY! I’m sure you’ve seen the billboards proclaiming that May 21 is Judgment Day and asserting that “The Bible Guarantees It!”. These announcements have been brought to you by Harold Camping, a wrinkled-up televangelist con man (I guess that’s a tautology), who was last in the news for proclaiming the Bible’s guarantee that September 14, 1994 would be JUDGMENT DAY! Apparently, these are not just predictions; they are mathematical calculations arrived at by counting exactly 7,000 years from The Flood, at which time, according to The Book Of Noah, the world will end. How did Mr. Camping make a 17 year mistake in his 1994 calculation? Who the hell knows. But this time he says he’s 99.98% sure. Maybe we’ll find out about the 0.02% on May 22, when he has to explain why we’re all still here. (The reason I know Mr. Camping is a fraud is because, as any diligent student of The Bible knows, the world was created on October 14, 4004 BC. So how could 7,000 years have passed since The Flood? Duh. But, just in case, I’m planning to have a really good time for the next three weeks, and so should you.)

This Week In God

Surprising news from the Vatican: So far, investigators are coming down in favor of beatification – the first step towards sainthood – for John Paul II! Who would have imagined?! When this popular Pope passed away in 2005, there were calls for immediate sainthood, but Pope Benedict XVI really couldn’t bend the rules that much, since the two broad standards for sainthood are: 1) The candidate’s life deserves to be imitated; and 2) The candidate has demonstrated a post-mortem power to help people who pray to him, thereby proving he is in heaven with God. To meet Standard 2), convincing evidence of one post-mortem miracle, usually of the medical kind, is required. (It used to be two miracles; I don’t know why the standards were relaxed.) Apparently the miracle being relied on for John Paul II’s sainthood is the cure of a woman with Parkinson’s, who prayed to John Paul II for help. In any event, how could Standard 2) be met without allowing at least some time to pass?

Normally, five years must pass before the investigation into suitability for sainthood can even begin. I don’t know whether this rule was copied from the Baseball Hall of Fame rules or whether the choice of a five year waiting period was purely coincidental. I suppose the waiting period is designed to give people a chance to pray to the prospective saint and for the saint-in-waiting to demonstrate his ability to answer prayers, i.e. perform miracles. But if that is the reason, why wait? If the dead saint-to-be performs a miracle, then why not begin the investigation right away? I think with the Baseball Hall of Fame, the idea was to make sure the player would not decide to un-retire. With candidates for sainthood, the chances of un-retiring are less likely, but not unprecedented. And a three day waiting period would be like no waiting period at all. So why even bother. A conundrum.

Another question: Why do pre-mortem miracles only help meet Standard 1? If a man or woman is leading an exemplary life and performing miracles, why shouldn’t that person be able to become a living saint? I know, that would create a lot of competitiveness, especially if some people were already saints and the Pope was still trying to lead a life deserving of imitation and perform miracles. But it used to be that pre-mortem miracles counted for a lot. St. Francis of Assissi was made a saint, in part, because he drove the demons from Arezzo. And St. Ubaldo, the patron saint of Gubbio, was cannonized for preventing the mountain from falling on the town. I’m pretty sure they did those things while they were still alive. (I always thought that making people believe a miracle was required was much harder than performing the miracle itself. I mean, is it harder to convince people that Arezzo is infested with demons or to declare that you have driven them out?) And of course, lots of Buddhist lamas (or is it llamas?) are living. Steven Seagal, a personal hero of mine, was declared a lama a few years ago, but then I read in People Magazine or saw on E! TV that his lamahood was revoked, suggesting to skeptics that he was made a lama just because he gave a lot of money to Buddhist causes. I guess one danger of making someone a saint while they’re still alive is that the chance of a saint-to-be faking miracles while he is alive is too great. I mean, someone like David Blaine, if he hadn’t told everyone he was a magician, would be a shoo-in as far as meeting the miracle requirement is concerned. And, of course, there’s always the chance that a living saint could do something that would make his life not deserving of imitation, like divorcing Kelly Le Brock.

But I have some more basic questions: Does it make sense that the performance of miracles by a deceased candidate for sainthood is evidence that he or she is in heaven with God? I don’t think so. You all saw “The Exorcist”, didn’t you? It’s obvious that the Devil aka Satan aka Beezlebub can do some pretty amazing shit. If he wanted to cure someone of blindness or restless leg syndrome so as to fool sainthood investigators into beatifying a candidate, I think he could do it pretty easily, based on the movies I’ve seen.

And why are miracles usually limited to curing someone of a disease or disability? What about praying for a date with the cutest girl in school – – and then getting it! Or winning a game that seems out of reach? I see guys all the time crossing themselves and pointing to heaven after they’ve scored a touchdown. Is that to give thanks for the touchdown or for answering a prayer for a touchdown? What if a baseball player prayed, for example, to Mother Teresa, who is currently in the sainthood pipeline – she cured a nun of lupus (postmortem), which is being balanced against the fact that she didn’t believe in God for about 40 years, but still ministered to the poor – to hit five home runs in a game and then he did it?!! I’d think that was more of a miracle than someone with halitosis or Parkinsons getting better after praying for a cure. And why do basketball players pray before shooting free throws, but don’t point to heaven after making some really cool shot? Are there different rules for each sport? And are football players who prance around or imitate King Kong after making a sack, instead of pointing to heaven, possessed by the Devil? Inquiring minds want to know.

Actually, I’m not surprised that John Paul’s sainthood process is going well. He was charismatic and had great PR. As far as the “life deserving of imitation” requirement, his sweeping the clergy sex abuse scandals under the rug is a small black mark against him. And his treatment of women in the church and his repression of dissident theologians, while thought by some to be black marks, are considered a big “plus” by most of the investigators. And, really, aren’t these nits when balanced against the fact that he played the guitar and forgave that Bulgarian guy who shot him?

In other God news, an American sniper in Iraq was sent home for using the Koran for target practice. He’s lucky no one put a fatwa on his ass. I mean, if fanatical Muslims wanted to kill a Danish cartoonist for drawing a picture of Muhammad with a bomb in his turban, I would think they’d go nuts over a sniper shooting holes in the Koran. Maybe he was just really smart and figured out a way to get home.

And, finally, 10 Kenyan witches between the ages of 70 and 90 were torn to pieces by a mob. I was worried for a while that the witchcraftery in issue was penis-snatching or shrinking, which is a real problem with witches in Sub-Saharan Africa. It was just a few months ago that several people in Africa were tried for witchcraft for this offense. (They were acquitted, however, after an in camera inspection of the complaining witnesses disclosed no snatched or shrunk penises.) But as I dug into this issue further, I discovered that the witchcraftery that warranted being torn to pieces was – – – making other peoples’ kids dumb. And, no, I am not making this up.