Breaking News: Gingrich Discloses Affair With Rush Limbaugh

Already reeling from recent disclosures of marital infidelity by Sen. John Ensign and Gov. Mark Sanford, the Republican Party suffered another devastating blow today when former House Speaker, Newt Gingrich, stunned associates by disclosing the existence of a two month romantic relationship with radio talk show host, Rush Limbaugh.  The former Speaker said:  “I knew we couldn’t keep our love a secret much longer and it’s better that the truth come out now.”

When pressed for details by a reporter from the Washington Post, Mr. Gingrich declined, asking that the press respect his private relationship with the popular Right Wing pundit, who refers to himself as “El Rushbo”.  Mr. Gingrich would say only that:  “Rush and I are single, mature men who have great respect and affection for each other. This is bigger than both of us which, given our ample obesitude, is saying something.”  He did acknowledge, however, that the affair began shortly after Mr. Limbaugh’s high profile speech at the Conservative Political Action Committee meeting in April.

Steamy emails that surfaced earlier today confirm that Mr. Limbaugh’s electrifying speech to the Conservative PAC unleashed emotions that the former House Speaker, who, like Mr. Limbaugh, has been married three times – each time to a woman – could not control.  One of the tamer emails said:  “As you bounced up and down, driven by your passionate commitment to conservative principles, you were a god to me. The sight of your jiggling man-breasts released feelings I thought I could only feel for Jerry Falwell.  I need to be inside all of that energy.”

Mr. Limbaugh’s office declined comment, but a joint press conference is scheduled for 10:00 a.m. tomorrow at the Heritage Foundation.

Breaking News! Conservative Pundits Agree: Obama Presidency A Failure

Conservative pundits and politicians have reached consensus that the Obama presidency has been an abysmal failure.  “Omigod,” declared Republican House Minority Leader, John Boehner.  “I am appalled at the level of spending.  It took President Bush eight full years to double the National Debt from $5.5 trillion to $11 trillion, which shows how careful and financially responsible President Bush was, but at this rate, President Obama will recklessly re-double the National Debt in less than seven years.”  The Minority Leader, known around the Capitol as “The Boner”, then retired to his personal tanning bed for the rest of the day, muttering “Omigod” and “Gag me with a spoon” over and over.

Conservative demigod Sean “The Manatee” Hannity was even more critical of President Obama:  “The stock market is tanking, unemployment is at its highest level in decades and the Obama Recession looks like it’s turning into the Obama Depression.  And why hasn’t he caught Osama Bin Laden?”

Conservative transsexual, Ann Coulter, outraged that Obama has issued orders prohibiting torture and closing Guantanamo and “black” prison sites abroad, asked:  “Does he want us all to die?  Yes, of course, he does because he’s a liberal and all liberals are moronic traitors.  By the way, that’s the title of my most recent book, not to be confused with my other best-sellers, “All Liberals Are Assholes”, “Liberals Are Dumb”, “I Really Hate Liberals”, “I’m OK, You’re A Liberal Asshole” and “If God Is So Great, Why Do Liberals Exist?”

Leading Conservative religious leaders expressed concern over President Obama’s prospective mass murder of really, really, really tiny people.  “By allowing stem cell research to move forward and by removing the restriction President Bush had placed on financial aid to family planning organizations (prohibiting aid to any organization that funds abortions or provides counseling that includes the option of abortion), President Obama has launched a modern-day Holocaust”, proclaimed Evangelical Reproductive Oversight Society (EROS) chairman, Rod Gozinya. Recent Vice Presidential candidate, Sarah Palin, echoed the concerns expressed by Rev. Gozinya:  “The next thing you know, President Obama there will be allowing the use of condoms also and palling around with terrorists who use condoms also.  I want to reassure all Right-Thinking Americans there that I will never allow any of my children to use condoms also.  They are committed to abstinence also – well most of them are – so it will never be an issue there.”  Leader of the Family Research Council, Tony Perkins, declared:  “Yesterday, President Obama issued executive orders banning the torture of terrorists but today signed an order that exports the torture of unborn children around the world.”  I know, this makes no sense whatsoever, but it is a direct quote.  Really.

Cable TV phone-sex freak and author of his recent memoir “A Steaming, Fresh Pile of Humanity”,  Bill “The Beavis” O’Reilly [1] declared in the Talking Points portion of his show (where he talks and the words simultaneously appear on the screen because FOX viewers need all the help they can get) that the Obama Administration is the most corrupt in history.  “Even before President Obama has appointed them, scandals have tarnished Eric Holder, Bill Richardson, Tim Geithner, Caroline Kennedy, Ted Kennedy, Hillary Clinton and Bill Clinton.  We need a president in the White House who will restore to the Oval Office the kind of honor and dignity President Bush brought to those hallowed halls.”

Pat Buchanan, noted anti-semite and Republican windbag, questioned whether Obama was really the President.  “He botched the oath on Inauguration Day and then, in a secret ceremony, took the oath without putting his hand on the Bible.  I don’t know if he’s really the President.”

But it was oxycontin addict and ginormous blowhard, Rush Limbaugh, who summarized the Conservatives’ position towards our new President by saying:  “I have a four-word wish for President Obama: ‘I hope he fails’.”  That’s a Real American Patriot for you and, no, I am not making this up.

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[1]Am I the only one to note how much O’Reilly resembles Beavis of “Beavis and Butthead” fame?

News You Might Have Missed

Lately, there’s been a lot of news that inquiring minds like mine find stimulating and thought-provoking.  I especially enjoyed the Thanksgiving tribute to Sarah Palin posted at http://hotair.com/archives/2008/11/24/video-thank-you-sarah-palin/. That message of Thanksgiving caused me to reflect on the number of really stupid people we have in our great country.  The good, simple folk at OurCountryPac.org, who created and funded the “Thank you Sarah” message, are probably also thankful that Sarah has just signed a $7 million book deal, which will allow them to experience even more of Sarah’s “articulate common sense” (assuming they can read).  The book is untitled at this point, but I’ve got my money on “A Pitbull With Lipstick, The Sarah Palin Story”.  In addition to the good, simple folk at OurCountryPac, (who I suspect comprise a chunk of the 31.7% of McCain-Palin voters who continue to believe that Barack Obama “used to be a Muslim and still has too many connections to Islam”), others
eagerly awaiting Gov. Palin’s literary debut include David Letterman, Bill Maher, Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert.  It should be quite a read. I’m sure she will include a chapter about Todd – – how they met and decided – single-handedly – to populate the earth: (“Oh, Todd, I love it
when you crank up your big snow machine.”)  And I hope she includes a chapter on “The Faith Of Sarah Palin”, in which she expounds on her belief that people and dinosaurs roamed the earth together around 6,000 years ago, shortly after the week when God created everything.  What a week that was!!!

Also giving thanks for Sarah Palin was the turkey she pardoned in Alaska, while Joe the Turkey Strangler, working in the background, ran several less fortunate birds through a turkey-chipper machine.  (Search YouTube for “Sarah Palin Turkey”.)  At the time, the interviewer asked Sarah if she was OK with all the turkey-slaughtering going on in the background.  “Oh sure”, quoth the slayer of moose and wolf; who could care about a few stupid turkeys.  But after the blogosphere shifted into high gear and Gov. Palin realized that she had become an object of ridicule (again), she denied having any idea about what was going on behind her.  This would have been hard to believe even if she wasn’t already on record saying it didn’t bother her, since the turkey-chipper machine made a hideous noise as it sucked the blood out of the turkey carcii.  At last report, Sarah was down in Georgia campaigning for that blowhard putz, Saxby Chambliss.  We haven’t heard the last of Sarah Palin, the New Face Of The Republican Party!!

But, returning to the Old Face Of The Republican Party, President Bush got drunk again, this time in Peru while pounding several piscos, the Peruvian national drink.  While there are some still photos of him tossing back a pisco and posing in a poncho while looking seriously shit-faced, we don’t have a slide show of him falling down drunk, like we do for the Beijing Olympics.  (This is also worth a YouTube detour.) Some guys just know how to polish a legacy.

The National Inquirer, which broke the John Edwards story earlier this year, has disclosed that Cindy McCain recently ended a three year affair with Dino, a 56 year old used-car salesman.  Apparently she had to call it off once John got the Republican nomination because all the secret service protection made sneaking around difficult.  The mainstream press has not picked up on this, so it may be BS, although the Inquirer article did contain a photo of a woman with hair like Cindy McCain’s kissing a guy named Dino.  I also heard a guy on the radio whose friend knows Dino well say that Dino is afraid for his life and is writing down a lot of stuff that would be embarrassing to John McCain if anything happens to him.  This is pretty strong evidence of hanky-panky – – even stronger than the evidence that Obama is not really a “natural-born U.S. citizen” and, therefore, ineligible to be President. (This claim is the subject of a pending lawsuit that has obsessed several of the Fright Wing talk radio loonies I tune into every so often.)

On the religious front, Malaysia’s top Islamic body just issued an edict that prohibits Malaysian Muslims from practicing yoga, citing the potential for corruption.  This may sound ridiculous, but it simply follows the precedent set by Egypt’s top Islamic body, which issued a similar ruling in 2004.  The Malaysian Islamic Council isn’t just a copycat, however, since it also recently decreed that girls who act like boys violate the tenets of Islam and forbade non-Muslims from using the word “Allah”.  I wonder if this was what King Abdullah of Saudi Arabia had in mind when he stood before the United Nations’ Conference on Interfaith Dialogue last week to proclaim his opposition to “religious intolerance.”  Unlikely, since last summer, Saudi Arabia banned the ownership of cats or dogs because walking pets encourages pet owners of opposite sexes to speak to each other.  But maybe this doesn’t qualify as religious intolerance – – just mind-blowingly ignorant intolerance. Other actions by the Saudi government, however, seem to constitute the kind of “religious intolerance” that King Abdullah so deplores, e.g., the beheading of an Egyptian pharmacist working in Saudi Arabia for taking a copy of the Quran to the bathroom to read while defecating; (reading the Quran while defecating is forbidden); or the Indian mother of four who was convicted of adultery and sentenced to death by stoning for getting pregnant after her husband died.  Based on my understanding of the situation in Saudi Arabia, engaging in “interfaith dialogue” – if you are a Saudi – can get your head chopped off.

Sean Hannity and Rush Limbaugh blame Obama for the “Obama Recession” and spend their shows inciting hatred and fear of Obama. Michael Savage warns that once Obama is inaugurated, “there’s gonna be a wholesale firing of competent white men in the United States government.”  Actually, there should be a wholesale firing of INcompetent Bush appointees, i.e., all of them, but they are switching their job status so as to get civil service protection, a procedure called “burrowing”.  The idea is to fill the bureaucracies with opponents of the Obama administration who will be in a position to sabotage efforts to clean up the mess left by Bush.  This is also the motivation behind the flurry of regulations and executive orders being rammed through by the Bush Administration before it slinks out of Washington.

I read that the nine banks that have already received $125 billion in taxpayer bailout money (before the recent supplemental bailout of Citibank) plan to pay year-end bonuses to their top executives of $108 billion.  Goldman Sachs received $9.8 billion and had scheduled bonus payments of $11.4 billion.  (Then Henry Waxman asked all the banks to provide him with bonus information and the top six executives at Goldman Sachs said they would take a bonus this year; what nobility.)  But what about the others?  Can this be true?

Well, that’s it for now.  If off to get a delicious sandwich made with turkey from Alaska.  Yumm!!